"Warm and Fuzzy" Matters: The Myth of "Soft Skills"

It’s dawn on the Indian Ocean. The deck of the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise is alive with activity. Crew members, clad in color-coded uniforms, scramble to prepare jets for launch. Steam billows from the catapult as the roar of engines builds—a powerful symphony of metal and might. The camera pans to an F-14 Tomcat preparing for takeoff.

You feel your heart pumping as the jet's engines on the screen scream to life. Then, just as the plane hurtles off the carrier into the open sky, Kenny Loggins’ "Danger Zone" kicks in. The electric guitar riff pulses through the speakers, and suddenly, you’re not just watching a movie—you’re experiencing the raw adrenaline of speed, precision, and danger.

Now imagine the opening scene of the movie Top Gun without any music or sound effects. No roaring jets, no adrenaline-pumping soundtrack, just silence. The intensity vanishes, and what should be a pulse-pounding moment feels flat, almost mundane. Without the soundtrack, the entire experience loses its impact and emotional connection.

When it comes to leadership, there's something similar at play. Just as soundtracks make movie scenes come alive, certain skills are what make leaders and organizations come alive. What leaders do sets the tone and drives the emotional experience that is the foundation for high (or mediocre) performance.

And yet, these skills are often dismissed by some as "soft skills"—something people tend to take for granted or overlook. But in reality, they’re essential—the hard-to-master skills that drive performance, foster connection, and elevate any team to greatness. They’re the glue that holds teams together, drives collaboration, and create an environment where the human brain can, and is willing, to perform at its best.

Meet the HERO Skills: The Not-So-Soft Skills

When it comes to creating high-performing teams, it’s not just about technical know-how or “hard skills.” It’s about how well people connect, collaborate, and communicate. I’ve spent more nearly 30 years studying what makes people work better together, and I’ve landed on four essential metacognitive skills I call the HERO Skills: Humility, Empathy, Reflection, and Open-Mindedness. These are the backbone of something I refer to as Relational Intelligence (RI)—the ability to create, cultivate and navigate relationships to achieve desired outcomes. These four skills are the building blocks of Relational Intelligence, which is the oft-overlooked ingredient behind great leaders and cohesive teams. Research into the HERO Skills reveal their significance.

1. Humility: True humility isn’t about downplaying your strengths—it’s about valuing others’ contributions and recognizing that everyone brings something valuable to the table. A humble leader creates space for others to shine, fostering trust and psychological safety. It’s like a great band where each musician knows when to support and when to step forward. Research shows that humble leaders drive stronger collaboration and higher team performance.

2. Empathy: Empathy is the ability to understand and relate to the emotions of others. It’s like the soundtrack in a movie that makes you feel the intensity of a scene. Empathy helps leaders connect with their teams, build trust, and make decisions with emotional intelligence. Neuroscience shows that empathy activates the brain’s mirror neuron system, crucial for social bonding and understanding others.

3. Reflection: Reflection is more than just looking back—it’s about gaining insights that drive better decisions and actions. It’s the ability to pause, assess what worked, what didn’t, and why. Think of it like an athlete reviewing game footage: without that pause to analyze, growth stagnates. Reflective leaders learn from both successes and failures, adapting quickly in dynamic situations. This self-awareness and learning mindset leads to smarter decisions, higher resilience, and continuous improvement in both individuals and teams.

4. Open-Mindedness: Open-mindedness isn’t about agreeing with everything—it’s about being willing to consider new perspectives and adapt when presented with better ideas. It’s like a scientist running experiments: you test, learn, and change course based on evidence. In leadership, open-mindedness fuels innovation and problem-solving by welcoming diverse viewpoints. Leaders who embrace this skill foster adaptability and creativity, essential for thriving in today’s complex, rapidly changing environment.

These HERO Skills aren’t just “soft”—they’re the behind-the-scenes skills that drive real performance, foster psychological safety, and create a culture where people feel empowered and want to do their best work.

Let’s Reframe "Soft Skills" as "Power Skills"

The term “soft skills” is misleading. Let’s call them what they really are: Power Skills. These are the skills that create psychological safety and let people know they are cared about, which, in turn drive performance, build resilience, and create cultures where people don’t want to let the team down (in research it’s called Collective Commitment or Felt Accountability).

So, the next time someone dismisses our newly minted Power Skills as warm and fuzzy, tell them that much research shows the brain prefers warm and fuzzy over cold and hard when it comes to sustained optimal performance. The highly talented coder, number-cruncher, engineer tend to underperform when their leaders are low in relational intelligence skills. Remind them that these skills create socially cohesive teams and are what makes winning teams—whether in the office or when bringing a powerful story to life on the big screen.

Reflect and Act

1. Which HERO Skill do you feel most comfortable with, and which one challenges you the most?

2. How can you incorporate more opportunities for reflection in your leadership practice?

3. What would change if you prioritized relational intelligence as much as technical expertise within your team or organization?